Friday, January 24, 2014

Gamerscore Officially Declared One True Way Into Heaven



Ever since the Xbox 360 introduced the majority of the world to achievements and gamerscores, players everywhere have been bragging endlessly and fighting over who is better based on the simple number. But now they have one more reason to rack up as many achievements as possible - eternal happiness in the afterlife.


While Pope Francis is no stranger to shaking up Catholic dogma since becoming Pope in March of 2013, this is maybe his biggest declaration. Previously, it was believed that one must do good deeds and in general be a good person to be accepted into heaven - nope. All you need is a gamerscore above 10,000 and you're set for life.

It was also declared that it didn't need to be specifically called a "gamerscore". Anything that represents doing menial tasks in a video game for a pointless score that you can brag about will work. "Whether killing a set number of some random enemy awards you achievements, trophies, stamps or doodly-whips," said Pope Francis in a recent address to the church, "they all count towards your eternal salvation as long as you're searching for the Lord. It is not my place to judge."

Since the news broke, gamers everywhere have rejoiced; happy to finally have a solid reason to chase down those hundreds of hidden objects that would normally otherwise be considered a complete waste of time. "And here I thought developers were just trying to find ways to stretch games for no reason," an Xbox gamer who goes by the name DixyWrecked69 told us, "I'm relieved to hear it's my ticket to heaven, although it sucks those dickbag PS4 owners make it in too."

One big issue raised since the announcement was the idea of Sony or Microsoft somehow abandoning or otherwise losing the data where the gamerscores are stored. Would the users still be granted an expressway into heaven? The official response from the Catholic Church at this time remains "Just pray that doesn't happen."

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