OUYA Finds New Life As Electronic Paperweight

Taking time out of their busy days of second guessing their horrible decisions, OUYA owners everywhere have claimed to have finally found a use for their $130 investment as an electronic paperweight. Several Kickstarter backers of the once maligned Android console have wrote in to Texture Pop Gaming exclaiming how excited they are to finally have a reason to own the small cube. 

“Finally!” initial backer Stephen Mitchell told us, “When I found how low quality the system and games were, I figured I just pissed away a bunch of money,

but now that I can use it hold down some spare papers in my office, I feel a little better.” 

Stephen is not the only one happy to finally have an effective way to hold down loose tax documents year round. Many other readers have told us they can’t believe it’s taken them this long to finally discover the real use for the OUYA. And now that it’s true purpose has been realized, it is fairly obvious it was always meant to be a paperweight all along with it’s curved edges perfect for not bending the corners of your precious office papers and the ideal weight to hold, but not damage, your thirty page hand-written Mass Effect fan fiction that you just can’t lose. Throw in the added benefit of being able to plug the console in and have a small light to illuminate your office and the OUYA suddenly becomes a steal at $128. 

“I tried a lot of things with it,” wrote another reader. “Using it as a baseball, bouncing it off a wall, and even idiotic things like playing mobile Android games on it. None of them felt right so I just got fed up and set it on a stock of receipts from other random crap I bought and, just like magic, they didn’t move an inch.” From that point on, he and many other users never looked back. 

Upon hearing this news, retail outlets such as Target and Wal-Mart have vowed to move the OUYA from their previous location in the children’s toy aisle to the more appropriate home and office section. As one Target executive told us, “we felt kind of bad putting this next to fun toys, so we’re glad to have it moved somewhere that makes more sense.”