PAX Prime’s free shower booth has been declared a failure and a general waste of money, convention organizers confirmed to sources Sunday. This was the latest in a series of attempts by the yearly convention to give their attendees a free shot a nice hot shower and some soap before wandering the halls spreading their wall of funk and vomit-inducing smells.
“Honestly, we’ve tried everything,” five year PAX Prime head Rachel Kramer told IGN, “they complained we started tasing the extreme cases and dropping their unconscious stench factory bodies at the nearby anime conventions, and now when we give them a perfectly good group of showers to use they ignore it. I give up.” A frustrated Kramer went on to tell us that their next course of action is to forcibly douse convention goers when they enter the convention center, but they are currently tangled in a legal battle over where the water should be drained.
“If they contaminate that much water with the smell of farts and pure hair grease there’s a chance it could overload the city water treatment facilities,” district attorney Richard Elmar told us when we tracked him down for comment on the ongoing case, “the last thing we want is for the citizens of Seattle to be forced to drink the dandruff-laden shower afterbirth of one of PAX Prime’s loyal fans.”
To their credit, organizers spared no expense with the free shower booth. Presented alongside full sized foam mascots of Mr. Soapy and Your Friend The Loofa, the single person showers were given prime real-estate near the entrance of the Washington State Convention Center. As one hazmat suit-wearing member of the free shower booth team told us, “Our goal for this thing was to let gamers know that the shower is not a scary place. Soap is your friend, and even more so when you’re going to be packed in a crowded place with hundreds of other people who have spent the last week playing The Last of Us and masturbating at an alarming rate. We had hoped that using our characters Mr. Soapy and The Loofa would ease them into it, but no dice. We barely had any looks our way during the whole thing.”
By the end of day two, only one PAX Prime visitor, thirty-nine-year-old Craig Warren, dared even go close to the showers, but quickly decided against it after the possibility of having his temporary Mega Man tattoo that he received last month at Gamescom washing off occurred to him.
“This tattoo really means a lot to me,” Warren said during a YouTube interview with IGN while he adjusted his hip-length ponytail away from his shoulder, “Not only did a really cute lady give me this perfect little thing, but Hideo Kojima touched it when he pushed me away gasping for air when I tried to give him a high five.”
At press time it was revealed that one group of developers are planning an Oculus Rift game titled “Dolphin Simulator In The Shower” to ease worried potential shower-users into the idea of using a cleaning device through the eyes of an adorable dolphin.
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