Super Mario 3D World May See It's ESRB Rating Changed

The controversy following Nintendo's runaway success Super Mario 3D World is not one many people saw coming. In a game featuring the family-friendly tropes we all know and love and now cat suits it comes as a surprise that it could see it's ESRB rating raised from 'E' to 'M'. 

To date, only two games have had their ESRB ratings raised. One, the most well known, was Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas with it's "hot coffee" hidden minigame that could be unlocked via third party tools. The game was raised from 'M' to 'AO'. The other minor change was upgrading The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion from 'T' to 'M' for a hidden topless character texture. Unlike Rockstar, who decided to re-release San Andreas and eliminate the offending minigame, Bethesda did no such thing with Oblivion and let the game stay at 'M'.

But going from 'E' to 'M'? That's unheard of. 

"We know it's never been done," an ESRB representative told us "but in this case we feel it's necessary. Based on our internal playthroughs of the game, there were hidden sections of the game that caused anger, violent swearing and in some cases extreme bouts of physical violence towards other players. For a game we suspect a lot of children will be playing, we can't let it stay at it's current ESRB rating. And frankly, this is more egregious than the violations we had with Rockstar's and Bethesda's games."

When we questioned a Nintendo spokesman over the phone regarding the issue, he had a slightly different story. "The feature was never hidden," he claims, "It's a crown, that's it. It happens every after every multiplayer game. Yes, we didn't send them the crown in our original submission but we didn't feel it was necessary When the game was play-tested in our Japan offices, there were no such acts of violence. We didn't realize Americans would go so batshit crazy."

Shortly after the interview, we decided to do our own testing at the Texture Pop Gaming offices. What we found was shocking. After every level, the one with the most points is awarded a simple crown. A precious... glorious... all-knowing... crown. Oh sweet crown. What I wouldn't give to have you atop my digital cranium. 

Whoever didn't win this crown would erupt in fits of swearing, fist punching and often insults of the winning player's family members. Although maybe if a certain other player hadn't thrown me off the ledge before the flag no one would be angry. Who does that? I'm allowed to get it too. Why don't you mind your own goddamn business and let me jump instead of throwing me off the edge? Why don't you stick that pole up your ass, Craig? Would you like that? Fuck you Craig. And your whore of a mother. 

Three broken Wii U gamepads and a few shattered friendships later, we have reason to believe the ESRB claims may be valid.

AND ANOTHER THING. Just because you CAN run off the screen and cause me to bubble so that I can't get any fucking points doesn't mean you have to. I would have made that jump eventually. Does it make you happy to win that way? Does it just feel good? Well good, I'm glad. Because the second the next board starts I'm going to ass slam so goddamn hard onto your mushroom shaped piece of shit head that you won't be able to jump on anymore fucking poles until I shit you BACK THE FUCK OUT.