New Accessory Brings Touchscreen Controls To Console Gamers

Tired of tight controls and a comfortable grip ruining his couch gaming experience, former Microsoft engineer Tyler Williams recently launched a Kickstarter to bring touchscreen controls to console gaming.


The new peripheral, code named Fuckyourthumbs, will attached to any existing PS4 or Xbox One controller to give gamers that authentic feel of trying to accurately press buttons on a completely flat surface with no kind of feedback to tell you if you're hitting A or B again for the fifteenth goddamn time.

"Frankly, I'm surprised Microsoft hasn't included this feature by default," Tyler told us, "it just makes so much sense! Who needs to be able to actually tell where buttons are when you can awkwardly slide your finger across a touchscreen until you happen to hit the right one?"

Williams also told us he believes the Wii U was close to achieving controller nirvana, but copped out by also including physical buttons and joysticks. With project Fuckyourthumbs, gamers won't have the ability to switch between touchscreen and physical buttons as the peripheral is simply a large sleeve that goes over controllers, presenting the user with a screen covering the original controller. According to Williams, "I don't want users to be tempted to touch those stupid physical buttons ever again. The age of actually knowing what your pressing is over. The age of just sliding your finger around and praying has begun!"

We contacted several doctors about the idea of using touchscreen controls for console gaming and the response was pretty unanimous. All but one doctor would not recommend and as one of them told us "Not only would there be some joint damage to your fingers for trying to find those stupid little buttons on the screen, but it would also raise blood pressure when players get angry that their finger slips off the fucking A button when they're trying to wall jump."

Details of how the touchscreen will actually attach to the controller, among many other technical details, haven't been revealed. Williams told us, "I'll figure those small details once the Kickstarter money comes in."