Electronic Arts Executives Kill A Slow Afternoon By Closing Down Several Beloved Game Studios

Don't worry, it's not like they could be down again... oh

Following a busy morning of not fixing numerous Battlefield 4 glitches, several Electronic Arts executives spent last Thursday afternoon killing time by purchasing and dismantling numerous beloved video game development studios. The spree, which lasted all of two hours, saw twelve different developers purchased and immediately closed down “just for the hell of it.”

The first developer sought by the bored executives was formerly Sony-owned developer Naughty Dog. In purchasing the creator of the beloved Crash Bandicoot series as well as the recent hit The Last Of Us, Electronic Arts was in the perfect position to use the talent they acquired and their own massive cash flow to make some great games. The decision to immediately close down Naughty Dog studios and fire all the employees was also a good choice because, as VP Frank Gibeau put it, “Now when we travel to Santa Monica we have a super sweet place to just hang out for a few days since their former headquarters is empty. Fuck this is fun!”

Sharing some beers and good laughs, the executive team next bought Mojang, the independent developer behind Minecraft, by offering to “make them quadrillionaires” by 2017 if the studio was still around. As it turns out, the studio won’t be around as Electronic Arts quickly shut it down. 

“Yeah, I mean it sucks that they’re turning our beautiful Swedish headquarters into a giant basketball court,” Mojang CEO Carl Manneh told us, “but at least everyone will stop asking us about an Oculus Rift version of Minecraft now so it kinds of evens out.” The proud new owners of the Minecraft series assured us that the game will remain the same for several days, before being filled with “subtle yet extremely fucking obvious” real-world advertisements to generate some revenue before the whole thing is shut down. 

Also among the afternoon purchases were mobile studios Gameloft, Rovio, and King but, as Senior VP Lucy Bradshaw told us, “Nobody likes them so it wasn't quite as fun.” To make up for this mistak, the executives quickly sold off Westwood Studios to Sony and bought it back to shut it down again. “Damn it that felt good,” the VP said, biting her bottom lip. 

“Everyone gets that two o’clock feeling, we just all deal with it differently,” CEO Andrew Wilson told us, “Some people need a cool refreshing Five Hour Energy Drink available at fine retailers everywhere, and some of us buy up a few small time game studios that people love and permanently destroy them. It’s no different when you stop and think about it.” Wilson also told us the spree helped them in dealing with their afternoon boredom and they plan to make it a monthly team-building event.