Leaked Documents Show NSA Has Been Targeting Anyone Who Names Their Legend of Zelda Save File Anything But "Link"

Visual approximation of terrorist ring, per leaked documents.

A recently leaked set of NSA documents revealed that the government agency is targeting any gamer who has ever named their Legend of Zelda save file and character anything but Link. Calling the targets “potential terrorists” and “clearly deranged”, the details of the document are shocking.


Using a sophisticated network of annoying cousins who visit way too often, the NSA was able to track targets psychotic enough to name their file anything but Link all the way back to the original Legend of Zelda on the NES. The cousins, most of which sported a strange bowl cut so they could be easily identified by agents, would watch the targets and periodically report to the findings to their parents (who often times worked at Nintendo) who would then report to the NSA agents. Once targets were identified they would then be sorted into several categories.

The lowest and least threatening targets were those who accidentally misspelled their character, such as “Lenk” or “Lank”, as well as those who named their character “Zelda.” While clearly suffering some mild psychosis, the leaked documents claim these were the least likely to commit terror attacks. At most, they were expected to commit small robberies and not amount to much in life. Often times these targets were dropped immediately and it was recommended they get as little contact with other humans as possible. 

According to the documents, the targets that possessed the most dangerous potential were those that named their save file anything related to “butts and/or genetalia.” Any targets in this category were considered immediate threats and many of them were quickly sent to detention centers, regardless of age. Several examples were given of this category, such as “SaintButt” and “Buttvaginalol” with the most dangerous being “PenisPenis” followed by a number between one and five. These targets, code-named “PenisPenisXs” were considered the most likely to commit terrorist acts resulting in mass death. 

Through a hidden forum on the dark web, we were able to contact one of the PensPenisXs who was first targeted by the NSA in 2000. According to the suspect, who goes by PenisPenis5, he has been in hiding ever since Ocarina of Time on the N64. “My stupid cousin was over and I just thought it’d be funny to see everyone read my name as PenisPenis5,” he told us, “but then a week later a bunch of guys in suits and my cousin came and took me away. I never saw my parents or family again.” Throughout his post, he told tales of torture and a slew of agencies asking the then seven-year-old PenisPenis5 where the bombs were, who his target was, and who he was working form. “Would I do it all over again? Honestly yeah. Seeing that owl say Penis a bunch of times was hilarious and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.” 

While it did not have it’s own category, there was a special section marking anyone who renamed Epona in Twilight Princess to be eliminated immediately, as they were considered unable to be rehabilitated and a constant danger to themselves and others as well as posses “world peace threatening levels of insanity.”