A Cornell University study recently found that prolonged exposure to Nintendo’s Wii U Gamepad can cure nearly all forms of cancer. Participants in the study who spent more than six hours a day using playing the Wii U were found to have their cancerous growths stopped or, in some cases, even reversed.
“We think it has something to do with the second screen emulation software, but we still are not entirely be sure what is allowing it to fight back the cancer,” said lead researcher Todd Scott, “we found that anyone who could manage to find enough Wii U games to play for six hours a day were in full remission after a couple weeks.” The biggest challenge in the study has been finding ways to entertain patients long enough to hold onto the gamepad for extended periods of time. As Mr. Scott told us, “You can only play Mario 3D World for so long every day before you start going stir crazy.”
After burning through the small library of high-quality games on the console, researches found themselves getting desperate to give users games to play. While the cancer-fighting effects didn’t change when the Rise of the Guardians game adaptation was played, researchers found that patients couldn’t take the game more than a couple hours. Several also claimed they were just “ready to face death” after playing Wii Party U and a few simply asked to be put back on chemotherapy and allowed to go back to watching C-SPAN until their treatments were over.
With news of it’s miracle effects, researches and patients have joined forces with long-time Nintendo fans in demanding that the Japanese company finally release a new Metroid or Star Fox game for the weak selling console. “All it would take is one or two more games and we could finally get people to play this thing for more than a couple hours before they get bored,” an American Association for Cancer Research (AACR) said in a press conference earlier this week, “it’s time they finally step up and do it. In essence, every second they spend working on another Mario and Sonic Olympic game instead of the true Star Fox 64 sequel we need, is another second that cancer is winning this fight.”
In their response to the increased pressure, Nintendo confirmed that they have started working on their newest efforts to increase Wii U sales and great games on the console. While they say they can’t do a Metroid or Star Fox game yet, they have confirmed that they have a great new game in the works that “utilizes the true potential of the system” in the form of a fun series of minigames based in the Mario universe codenamed Mario Party 10. It’s not quite the game we were expecting but expectations are high and, frankly, gamers and patients alike are desperate for something new.
“I mean, I felt great and could finally walk again for the first time in months after I played the Wii U for a few hours,” said 13-year-old cancer survivor Seth Michaels, “but if I have to play that dancing octopus game in Nintendoland one more time I’m going to fucking lose it.”
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