Loving Father of Three Loses Everything In Tragic Wii Fit U Addiction

Local accountant and family man Derek Newman is rumored to have disappeared last week following a tragic addiction to his favorite video game, Wii Fit U. From the first time the loving father of three turned on the popular Nintendo fitness game, the only thing on his mind was the rush of pretending to jump on a trampoline to get launched into space for points. Ignoring his work, wife, children and friends, Derek Newman quickly became consumed by the game. 

“We begged him to stop every night,” Derek’s wife told us, “but he just kept going. ‘I have to nail these jazz moves, honey. I have to nail’ them he’d say.” Fighting back tears, Mrs. Newman also told us tales of her husband pretending to run an obstacle course at the dinner table, miming a rowboat while driving their kids to school and even breaking into salsa dances in his sleep. Worried that his constant workouts and lack of eating would cause him physical harm or death, his family tried to step in and get him counseling.

“When we approached about maybe getting some help, he absolutely lost it,” she told us, “he was in the middle of speed boxing and he turned to me and kept doing the steps and punching motions. The game wasn’t even registering the points, he was doing it just so he could pretend to hit me,” Following Derek’s mimed violent outburst he and his wife split up and, when word got around, he was let go from his high profile accounting position. 

Unfortunately, we couldn’t reach out to Derek himself for comment. Rumors are he can be seen on the streets of Chicago kickboxing alone late at night, but we couldn’t track him down. In lieu of a comment directly from Derek, we did get a hold of his doctor who he saw for a routine checkup just days before disappearing last week. Curious as to the effects of constant Wii Fit U usage we asked the doctor, who requested to remain anonymous, what Derek was like during his last visit. 

“He actually gained nine pounds since his appointment the year before, “ we were told, “and it wasn’t even muscle. He just got fatter. I recommend actually exercising instead of playing that game and he just ran out in tears and I never heard from him again.”