Study Shows Not A Single Nintendo Employee Has Ever Had A Niece or Nephew

In a comprehensive study by Cornell University, researchers have found that not a single employee at Nintendo currently has or has ever had a niece or nephew. They study, which took two years to complete and cost around $700k, was a joint venture by Cornell University and Nintendo themselves, with the Big N providing 90% of the funding. The full repercussions of the study’s findings have yet to be felt, but one thing is for sure - that greasy haired kid no one liked on the playground was clearly lying.


Decades of attention seeking elementary school students have been instantly silenced following the study. With the discovery that none of them actually have an uncle that works at Nintendo and knows about a secret Mew hidden under a truck near the S.S Anne, millions of annoying kids are finding new ways to convince their friends they know secrets in games that aren’t actually true. Rumors of a secret flyable plane in Call of Duty: Ghosts multiplayer as well as the entire audiobook of the Greek epic Odyssey hidden in the campaign level Clockwork are already popping up in playgrounds and after school programs nationwide. Without an imaginary uncle or aunt to pin the knowledge origination on, schoolground kids are resorting to frantically naming relatives such as grandparents, sisters and even absent step-fathers.

“Those little shits are getting desperate,” Middleton Elementary School principal Donald Hanson told us, “I see them out there telling their friends they know these obviously impossible secrets, but now that they can’t back it up with some fake uncle that works at Nintendo the other kids are catching on and ignoring them.” An excited Mr. Hanson backed away from his playground view window long enough to call one of the offenders into his office and berate him for his behavior, something he promises will be done on a daily basis until all the liars are dealt with. “I can’t have that kind of behavior in my school. There is no way to play as Rambo in Goldeneye you little fibber!”

When we finally tracked down one former offender who wishes to remain anonymous for his own safety, we were only able to get from him that he used to repeatedly tell friends there was an on-foot mission in Starfox 64. The level, as reported by our anonymous source, was allegedly unlocked by killing Slippy at the exact right moment in Sector X.

“It was all a lie,” he confided in us,”I just wanted to shove it in my smug seven-year-old friend’s faces that I knew something about a game that they didn’t know.” He also went on to tell us, before breaking down in tears, that several friends believed his lies and have since cut ties with the liar when the results of the study were publicised, like many other former fake uncle tellers.

Asked why they foot such a large bill for a seemingly frivolous study, Nintendo said they felt is was important to address the issue which has plagued their customers and staff for years. As they have confirmed to multiple sources, they have indeed never hired a single employee with a niece or nephew for the explicit reason of not giving liars the ability to back up their silly claims. “It is important to us that gamers know we don’t hide stuff like that in our games. Except those creepy shadows in Super Mario Galaxy. That’s totally real. And no, we’re not telling you what they are.”

In a similar study, researchers did find several dads and distant relatives that work on Counter Strike and would indeed ban you if their sons or daughters you it to them.