Everything You Need To Know About Changes Coming To The Xbox One

Continuing their 180 degree turn from the days of Don Mattrick going on stage and metaphorically shitting all over their brand, Microsoft has announced a series of changes to the Xbox One. The company’s departure from Mattrick’s dystopian vision of the future began last year when the Xbox One’s original requirement for the system to have a constant online connection was removed before the console was even released. In a blog post yesterday, Microsoft completed the shift and announced a few more changes to the next generation console hoping to gain some positive attention before this year’s E3.


Since these changes came quickly and can be confusing without the proper context, we here at Texture Pop Gaming have put together a quick guide to the changes and how they will effect you should you decide to finally purchase an Xbox One or if you already bought one by mistake.


Kinect is no longer mandatory --
The most publicized of the changes so far is the removal of the mandatory Kinect Sensor. While no one quite knew what this device did besides reporting your activity back to it’s governmental overlords, many are relieved they no longer have to pay the extra $100 for the privilege of having the camera watch them play Titanfall in the nude.

“I’m all for broadcasting my junk on the internet,” Xbox Live user NataliePorkman69 told us, “but I’d like to control when and where it gets displayed. I can’t have an autonomous machine deciding for me.” Porkman69 also went on to tell us that he plans on keeping his Kinect and refuses to tell us why its stashed in a dark closet surrounded by bottles of hand lotion.

Services no longer require Xbox Live Gold --
The other popular change today was Microsoft finally allowing users to access the services they already pay for. Telling gamers “You’re welcome” and “You’d be nothing without us,” new Xbox head Phil Spencer detailed his plans to give gamers the chance to “prove you can live without paying us, you worthless pieces of garbage” by giving them the option to view Netflix, Hulu Plus, Twitch TV and several other worthless services that no one uses.

“Could they please put Internet Explorer behind a paywall so I don’t have to look at it anymore?” one forum user asked them.

Don Mattrick main menu wallpaper will be removed --
One of the lesser known but most needed updates was the removal of the semi-nude portrait of former Xbox leader Don Mattrick as the user's default background in the Xbox One main menu. While Microsoft previously stated the console could not function without the calming presence of Mr. Mattrick's seductive bulge, they reportedly spent countless man hours and financial resources to create several workarounds to the previously unremovable man candy.

Microsoft has assured us that the wallpaper can remain if the user wishes and if removed it will live on in their hearts and minds indefinitely.

Xbox Live no longer available --

Along with removing the apps paywall, Microsoft also removed the Xbox Live service altogether. Considered by many to be a mistake to even have been created in the first place, Xbox Live will be immediately and permanently disabled starting tomorrow. Microsoft acknowledges that many gamers may find this news disturbing and anger-inducing but the company reiterated their stance that “maybe those Dorito loving shitbags should go outside for a bit.”

Larger controller --
Heeding customer’s complaints about the Xbox One controller being too small for a full-grown gorilla, the blog post also announced the mandatory switch over to a brand new design similar to that of the original Xbox.

“It’s just the original Xbox controller.” Microsoft said in the post, “that thing was was a masterpiece.” It was also confirmed that the Xbox One controllers remaining on store shelves will be donated to the Helping Hands Foundation to assist children suffering with upper limb loss.

Console redesign --
A new console design is also coming alongside the larger “duke” controller that brings the flair and grace of the original Xbox back to the forefront of technology. Codenamed “The Exact Design Of The Original Xbox,” the redesigned console will look very similar to the original Xbox as it was released in 2001.

According to inside sources with Microsoft, several other designs were considered including making it look exactly like the PS4, an early-90’s VCR, and a giant Mt. Dew can. The replica of a delicious Mt. Dew can was close to being the final choice, but too many testers attempted to puncture the box and get at the beverage that was assumed to be inside. Instead, a custom Xbox One featuring the Dew design will be signed by the team and sent to Geoff Keighley.

Slight graphics reduction --
Due to the console redesign and the fact that the it is now an exact replica of the original Xbox, there will be a slight graphics reduction. The once powerful console that could almost display games in a 720p resolution will instead be limited to a 233 MHz nVidia GeForce 3 NV2A capable of 1080i display through it’s VGA output. 

Phil Spencer has assured worried fans that, despite the change of resolution, Xbox is still determined to give you a great TV watching experience and maybe some games if you want once in a while.

Console no longer comes with cables, a hard drive, or any controllers --

The final change is that the console will reach the magical “under $200” threshold by removing a few unnecessary components from the device when it ships. The new bundle will include everything you need to play on day one besides cables, a hard drive or any controllers. Those components, along with the Kinect, will be sold as an optional $400 bundle starting in September of 2014.

Beginning tomorrow, all of the old bundles will be discontinued and destroyed in favor of the new cost effective one. You will find the $199 shell of an Xbox at participating Best Buys and GameStops nationwide.