Assumed to have risen to power through a mix of mind control and cleverly placed PewDiePie videos, the unholy abomination was thought to have been vanquished once and for all when its creator, Dong Nguyen, deleted the code, performed an exorcism on its soul, and buried it in a field near his Vietnamese home. When the bloodied ghostly figure of his once popular game appeared over his bed in the middle of a cold spring night, Nguyen knew he had no choice but to work on bringing the game back to its former glorious throne of darkness in the App Store.
“It promised not to hurt me,” Nguyen told IGN an exclusive interview, “But it mentioned that if I didn’t do exactly as it said and recreate it to be available sometime in the fall everyone around me would be dead and stuffed into green pipes.” He also went on to tell IGN that even if he completes the game, the ghostly figure informed him that its resurrection would result in the destruction of all of mankind as they will be consumed in a fiery death beneath its flapping wings of despair.
The prospect of life as we know it coming to an end isn’t sad news for everyone however, as several parents jumping on the “Flappy” bandwagon are happy to learn that their child’s new name won’t be immediately obsolete. As the mother of four-month-old Flappy Richardson told us, “We were worried that no one would know where little Flappy’s name came from since the game went away so fast, but now that it’s back the name makes sense again!”
For others, such as lifetime gamer Derek Palmer, the return of our dark lord is nothing but bad news. Having just recently gathered the courage to uninstall the game once and for all, Derek was finally getting his life back together after months of being caught under the spell of Flappy Bird. “My wife and kids aren’t going to be happy about it,” he told us, “but at least this new one will have multiplayer. Maybe I can get my wife to actually talk to me again by playing it. As long as she doesn’t fuck up any high score runs she’s welcome to join.” Like Derek, many others will find themselves caught beneath the unending gaze of their dark Flappy hosts until blood pours forth from their eyes and they eventually wake up surrounded by the dismembered bodies of their family.
Other than the unrelenting pain and sorrow brought on by our future malevolent overlord, many doctors claim the game is mostly safe to use with proper precautions. “If you can ignore the feelings of depression, anger, and fear of large green objects brought on by regular playtime,” Dr. Maureen Gilbert told IGN, “then by all means flap to your hearts content.” Doctors also warn that the game should not be played in the proximity of children who can’t take a solid anger-fueled punch to the chest.
Prior to the announcement of our imminent eternal damnation, several companies considered buying the demonic abomination including Activision, Microsoft, SallieMae, and Comcast. The closest to acquiring death’s right-hand was rumored to be Electronic Arts. The video game publishing company reportedly had all the money in place to purchase Flappy Bird, but the deal fell through when EA couldn’t find a way to properly monetize the game. Flappy Bird itself also would not have allowed the transaction, stating to us through an unfathomably painful telepathic message, I could not live with my nefarious self if my condemnation of your puny human lives was published by one such as EA. Any company that destroys Dungeon Keeper like that is of pure evil I don’t dare try to comprehend.
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