Man Worried His Roommate Is Spending Free Time Playing Candy Crush Instead of Masturbating

An Ohio resident is worried that the sound coming from his lifelong friend and current roommate’s bedroom may be him playing Candy Crush instead of masturbating. The concerned roommate, Dennis Hall, has had suspicions since early last week when he unexpectedly knocked on his roommate's door and heard his alarmed friend yell “I’m, uh, masturbating?”

“Who says that?” questions Hall, “If that’s actually what you’re doing you don’t just come out and say it like that. Make up an excuse, jump out a nearby window, something. That’s when I knew it was probably something more sinister.” The common fip fap a good jerk has slowly eroded into the tap tap of matching candy pieces and desperation.

Though he was once a great friend and a near perfect roommate who “cleaned, did the dishes, took out the garbage and quietly masturbated when he didn’t think I could hear him,” Hall says he cannot live with a man who plays Candy Crush on a consistent basis. “It’s like I don’t even know him anymore,” he told us.

Going out in public has turned into an embarrassing affair for the duo. While Hall could once be assured this roommate going into a Walgreen’s bathroom for something as innocent as beating it while thinking of the attractive cashier, he now knows that it’s actually to play more of the addicting candy matching game. “It’s disgusting,” he told us, “when I see him leave the restroom slipping his phone into his pocket all I can do is hang my head head in shame. I know what he did, he knows what he did and everyone in the store knows what he did. It’s shameful.”

The twenty-six-year old has tried numerous times to get his roommate to end his sick addiction. Everything from suggesting a different game to play, removing the battery from his phone and even offering to join in on a masturbating session to get him back into the flow of it. “Maybe it’s been so long since he’s done his business he’s just forgot how to do it, so I thought he could use a helping hand,” Hall claims, “Frankly I’d rather just straight up jerk him off than have him ask for another stupid ticket.” He has also considered just breaking down his roommates door to see what he’s doing once and for all, but is too scared of what he might find.

Hall also fears the day that he get asked to join in on the sick habit - the mere thought of his roommate bringing his sweat-covered phone and asking him to match some pieces of candy to make them disappear keeping him awake at night. While he has yet to be asked in person, hundreds of Facebook invites to play have lead him to block notifications on the service. Something Hall is mentally prepared to do in real life.

While his roommate has vehemently denied the allegations and says he is “absolutely not doing something silly like playing Candy Crush for hours at a time and endlessly bugging friends until they help get to the next level,” Hall says he won’t believe him until there is some kind of proof. “A crusty sock, abysmal internet history, empty box of tissues, anything, I just want some assurance he’s not some kind of monster.”