Nintendo Defends Its Anti-Piracy Firing Squads, Has No Plans To Stop Executing YouTube Creators

Nintendo has no plans to shelve its controversial “Bullet Bills For Piracy” initiative, sources confirmed Wednesday. The anti-piracy policy that involves lining up potential thieves and YouTube streamers who show more than five minutes of consecutive gameplay footage then firing high-powered rifles until the life leaves their eyes is one Nintendo plans to keep going as long as “[they] keep stealing our games.”

As it was laid out in the initial documentation of their anti-piracy policy last year, the firing squads are similar to that of the frontier-era United States. A line of several Nintendo board members will place the accused along a wall covered in iconic Nintendo characters and each will fire a single shot at him or her simultaneously. It is never known to any of the shooters which one has the loaded gun, but if Nintendo of America COO Reggie Phils-Aime is ever present at the trials he is guaranteed the kill shot. As one anonymous source inside Nintendo told us, “Honestly, it's what fuels Reggie. He’ll come out, execute a Let’s Player, go back inside and promotes the hell out of Pikmin. It’s really incredible how efficiently that man works.”

The Japanese game giant claims that the process of killing off anyone believed to be stealing their video games or looking at them the wrong way dates back to the 1980’s when a mass grave was initially dug for 12 friends who gathered in the house of Michael Jones to watch him play Donkey Kong Jr, something Nintendo claims was obvious piracy and needed to be dealt with. But, as sources confirmed, before the thieves could be properly disposed of, the hole was filled E.T cartridges from their competitor the Atari 2600. "How are we expected to turn a profit if we can't execute people watching other people play our games?" Nintendo stated in defense of their 20-year-old policy.

While Nintendo has yet to release any kind of data showing a loss of sales from YouTube videos, they assured concerned fans that taking 100% of the video profits just was not enough. “Just look at that poor Flappy Bird game a few months ago,” Nintendo President Satoru Iwata told reporters while loading his trusted 1903 Springfield and taking aim at popular YouTuber Let’s Player PewDiePie in the back alley of Nintendo’s Kyoto headquarters, “This thief showed the game on his little YouTube channel and look what happened. The game just disappeared, never sold a damn thing. That’s what would have happened with ZombiU if we allowed these miscreants to stream it.” 

Despite ZombiU selling only around six hundred thousand copies compared to Flappy Birds millions of downloads, Iwata insited that was only because it was streamed by PewDiePie without Nintendo’s permission one time before he and seven other Nintendo board members fired their high-powered rifles at the Swedish Let’s Player.

At press time, there are no public plans for expansion of the program, but several fans have brought up the odd coincidence of Nintendo sponsoring  Evo 2014 and purchasing $1.5 million worth of mustard gas.