Ubisoft Announces The "Fine, Do It Your Fucking Self" Video Game Creation Starter Kit

In the wake of recent controversies over the lack of female characters and slowing video game sales, Ubisoft announced that it is releasing a do-it-yourself game creation kit in the fourth quarter of 2014 tentatively titled “Fine, Do It Your Fucking Self”.

“This is an exciting new direction for us,” CEO Yvis Guillemont told reporters during the press release on Wednesday. “It has always been our goal to give players the utmost freedom. With our new product, the players will have the most control possible.”

“That’s what those greedy assholes want, anyway,” he added under his breath.

When pressed for what the game will be called, the 54-year-old executive simply smiled and shook his head. “That would be taking the role of creator which we have given to the consumer. Let them decide the name for themselves. Obviously, they think they can do it better. Yeah, we get it - ‘Ass creed’. You’re all so funny making fun of our names. Lets see what you can come up with, pricks.”

Later on in the press release, the battered CEO pointed to games such as Kerbal Space Program and Minecraft as examples of the open-oriented direction of gaming. “These games are wonderful but are still too restrictive. Walls? Enemies? Gravity? Why? Why force your will on these poor players? All they’ll do is complain that the game isn’t big enough, or there aren’t enough guns, or the mirrors don’t work or they want to play as a woman or some other pointless issue they have. No more!” he announced, gesticulating wildly. “The fans think they can make games better than us? So be it,” he violently yelled at the press over the sound of security being called. “you want women assassins? FINE! You want better acting? MAKE IT YOURSELF!”

As he was being dragged away, Guillemont could be heard cackling and telling fans to “make Good and Evil 2 yourself if you want it so bad, nerds.”

At press time, the only components confirmed to be included are a C++ Programming manual, a copy of the Anvil game engine, a Blue Snowball USB Microphone, a how-to-guide on setting up a Kickstarter, a Sony Handycam, a one-size-fits-all mocap suit, and a passive aggressive note from the Ubisoft team urging you not to screw this up or else you’re going to look like a total loser in front of your friends and family. The entire kit is rumored to cost around $6000.

GUEST POST // By John Aldridge