Peter Moore: How Far Do You Think I Can Get This Golf Club Up Your Ass Before You Stop Complaining?

In an exclusive interview with The Escapist Wednesday, Electronic Arts CEO Peter Moore pondered just how far he’d have to shove a golf club up gamers asses before they stopped complaining and embraced the future of video games. Moore, the visionary behind other EA innovations such as abandoning the 3DS and PlayStation Vita in favor of mobile pay-to-win games and funding broken games through DLC, hopes that gamers will give up their constant whining about the multi-billion dollar company and embrace the true future of gaming in the form of having a 44” cast iron driver rammed up their ass.

“The problem is that gamers don’t embrace change,” Moore said during the live streamed video interview, white-knuckle clutching a putter in one hand and a wedge in the other, “They just want to go on with their lives not being impaled by one of these beauties. Just let me jam up in there a bit and we’ll see how it goes. There is no reason they shouldn't enjoy this but they don't seem to understand.”

While Moore did not specify how being sodomized with a golf club would any way help move gaming forward for the better, he did explain how it was time for a change in the world of video games and how we play them, “I too used to enjoy just putting a disc into a machine and pressing play or however those fucking things worked, but the time has come for a change and these days I just can’t bring myself to play any games without having a putter placed firmly between my cheeks.”

“Look, at E3 we did show a lot of pre-rendered stuff. We get not not everyone likes that,” Moore explained when asked why his company bothered to even showing Mirrors Edge 2 footage, “and we also shoved a lot of golf clubs up asses. Few people liked the feeling of the cold steel touching their internal organs but most did not. Honestly, we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t. It’s high time we stopped whining and just accepted it.”

Despite the obvious fear of change gripping gamer’s clenched sphincters, Moore is excited about the future of EA, microtransactions and forcefully shoving objects up gamer's asses. In his excitement, it was even revealed that EA’s future includes other objects such as baseball bats, broomsticks, bowling pins, and returned copies of Titanfall that haven’t been played in months.