Crytek Willing To Give Employees Paychecks If They Can Complete A Series Of Quick Time Events

Leaked documents have revealed that Crytek is willing to pay employees money they are owed if they simply complete a four-mile obstacle course filled with quick time events and other minor hazards. Following the leak, GameSpot had a chance to interview company behind the world-renown PC benchmark and sort-of-game Crysis and ask them about their seemingly unfair withholding of employee wages.


“This is the most fun and fairest way of distributing paychecks,” Crytek project manager and leader of the PayCheckAThon9000 Ivan Bowen old GameSpot, “All employees must do every other Friday is simply run through our obstacle course and, at set intervals, respond to yelled out letter commands. If one of our managers yells 'X', for example, the employee in question who likely has not eaten in months must yell 'X' in return and roll quickly to the side or they’ll be hit with a boulder on a swing or other harmless obstacles.” Bowen then went on to detail the $3.5 million installment; explaining how the flamethrowers, professional trained Roman War re-enactors and gold plated handrails were necessary for employee morale as well as making it look like their company is not on the verge of collapsing in a fiery display of incompetence.

Several high-ranking sources within Crytek back up Bowens claims, telling us, “How boring would it be if we just gave our employees the paychecks they earned? Snoozefest, bro! You know what people like? Pressing buttons at designated times. That shit is fun, getting paid in a way that makes sense isn’t. We’ve done our research and have learned that people really enjoy the feeling of being a mindless factory worker instead of actually fighting off enemies. Besides, if these louts actually cared about getting their paychecks and avoiding third degree burns they should yell 'Y' when instructed and not 'B'. It's not our fault if they fuck it up."

Crytek has also considered alternative methods such as paying any employee who promises to buy 100 copies of Ryse in an attempt to boost sales and empty out their numerous warehouses stuffed full of the Xbox One launch title. So far no employees has taken up the offer. As one such employee who wishes to remain anonymous told us, “I think I’d rather starve than own Ryse. If I come home with nothing at least my family understands I’ve tried and failed. But if I come home with Ryse they’ll think I’m mocking them and probably leave me.”

At press time it was discovered that not a single person has completed the course and Crytek still is not sure how they would actually pay anyone who did manage to complete it.