Just days after purchasing the mobile webcam company Dropcam, Google announced at their I/O Developer conference Wednesday that they have also purchased the real-life simulation game Second Life. The game itself has fading fast since it’s peak in the late 2000’s, but Google has assured developers and fans that there are still plenty of players available to track 24/7 and even more loyal fans will flock to the service once they learn Google is involved.
As with the majority of Google’s purchases, Second Life will be quickly and violently integrated with the ad giant's other services. Google’s CEO Larry Page announced the purchase and the plans to implement it with the company’s other products during a surprise keynote at I/O.
“For starters,” the CEO said on stage, sporting his Google Glass, Moto 360 Watch, Dropcam kneepads, Nest thermonuclear helmet and G.I. Joe lunchbox, “Second Life will require Google+ login. We know that everyone loves this service as much as us and we want the folks of Second Life to experience first hand what it’s like to be part of a cult based around a brand name.” Page also went on to explain that chat logs from second life will be automatically posted to users social media pages and instantly become publicly searchable, allowing anyone to “find those long lost half-elf biker chicks you weirdos used to have awkward cyber sex with at the touch of a button” as the CEO put it.
Second Life will also give Google a chance to bring their creepy-sounding internet tactics to life. “Web crawlers” for example, which are nothing more than bots scanning web pages for accurate search results, will be giant hair-covered robot spiders in Second Life. “You may see them approach and begin scanning your avatar,” Page explained to a frightened audience, “But that’s ok. Just let it happen and let the big data flow through you. Be one with Google. We are one.” While it wasn’t confirmed by Page, there are also rumors that the zombified corpse of Google Reader and several other Google projects that were shut down will randomly spawn in the game, spewing broken code and shattered dreams all over the player’s house.
When questioned why Google would be suddenly interested in Second Life, Page explained that too many people were using Second Life as their real life and it was starting to worry the company. “Sure, the numbers are relatively low on Second Life, but what few people do actually play it do so relentlessly. They barely leave their house, do any Google searches, or go past our hidden Dropcams we have in their showers. Nothing. It’s nearly impossible to track them. With this purchase we are confident we can finally track every single person in the US and serve them ads for things they already own.”
Just seconds after the news broke, SEO experts across the web began penning and releasing tips to use Second Life to improve their search results. As one SEO expert stated in their Google+ post, “The key is to have a house with wide windows and a blue roof. That way Google can clearly see inside of your virtual house and categorize you for better SERP, evergreen content and big boop bop badoing blurp babbidoo. Blue also signifies big data or something. I don’t know, could you please click my ads? I’m tired of eating nothing but Chex and Hot Pockets every day.”
It is still not clear how Second Life or the data generated from it will interact with some of Google's other recently acquired properties such as Boston Dynamics, but when asked about it Google assured fans the murderous robotic dogs that will soon begin roaming the streets of Second Life and killing with no regard for human life are "in no way a planned simulation for what we plan to do in the future. Please remain inside and enjoy your new Android TV. It will all be over soon."
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