Clash of Clans is getting sick and tired of having to remind its owner, twenty-nine-year-old Ryan Gresher, of his obligation to play with him, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“I can't take it anymore,” the award winning mobile game told reporters. “Is it that hard for him to pick up his phone, tap the notification, and play me? I mean come on! I’ve warned him seventeen times in the last hour that his shit is done collecting and his village is under attack. It’s not like he isn’t just sitting there on the phone talking to his [soon to be ex] wife.”
“What do I have to do to get some attention?” it asked longingly, sighing as it watched Gresher trying in vain to save his marriage. “I remember when he first downloaded me. Ryan would play for hours on end and spend so much money that he couldn’t afford to lose to speed up building production, all the while his wife yelled in the background that she didn’t have money to get to work or they didn’t have any food or some other whiny bullshit. Life was simpler then.”
“Sometimes, he’d scramble for the power cord just so he could continue playing after his phone signaled it was running out of battery. Even that one time his wife was pregnant and she was using the last of her phones battery to call the hospital. Good ‘ole Ryan did the right thing and took the cord from her so he could collect more Elixer. Good times,” the coded application said with a sigh, “Good times.”
“Now he acts as though I don’t even exist. It’s like, hello? I’m right here. Stop arguing with that wife over who gets custody of the kid, fight off this invasion from WreckUrBase69 and harvest some gold, you douche.” The application also went on to tell reporters that Gresher has tried several times to mute notifications from the application to no avail.
In the background Gresher was arguing loudly with his wife defending himself of accusations of cheating and several reasons he and his wife could continue in wedded bliss. “Look here, watch this,” the highly acclaimed mobile RTS game said, sending another reminder to the phone’s notification screen. Gresher looked at it, swiped it away, and kept speaking. “It’s like I don’t exist.”
“I just wish I knew what is so important that he can’t play me more often. I bet it’s that hussy, Candy Crush,” anger flared in the eyes of the Java-based application while Ryan was heard weeping in the background, “Am I not good enough? I have millions like that idiot playing me - I didn’t have to be ported over to Android, you know. I don’t need him or his slow-ass Galaxy S3!”
The interview ended abruptly when Gresher was heard screaming something about a lawyer into his phone before swiping away the notification that Clash of Clans had crashed and its data corrupted. “Piece of shit,” he muttered before opening Candy Crush and spending $50 on more lives.
GUEST POST // By John Aldridge
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