Kerbal Space Program Free To Anyone Who Can Play More Than Fifteen Minutes Without Making A Rocket In The Shape Of A Giant Dick

In the week since Squad started its “Make Ships Not Dicks” promotion for their space exploration game Kerbal Space Program, not a single player has been able to complete the challenge and get an immediate refund for their game. As it was laid out in a blog post on their site last week, all players must do is record themselves the game for a mere fifteen minutes straight without making a ship that looks like a giant phallus and they would receive their full money back for the game and keep it at no cost forever.

“There’s a chance we made this promotion a bit too difficult,” lead programmer Kim Henry told sources, “We really want some people to get the game for free, but so far not a single person has been able to play for more than even 10 minutes with making a giant pork sword whether they do it by mistake or on purpose.” Henry also explained that Squad is considering switching the promotion to tasking players with getting to the planet Moho with all the default parts in the game’s career mode instead, stating, “Sure, no one has done that yet either but it seems a lot easier than resisting the urge to make a huge dick rocket.”

To date, seven thousand Steam users have purchased Kerbal Space Program since the promotion began and not as single user has completed the challenge. As Steam user SaintJeb69 told us, “I really thought I was making a suborbital mission to the north pole of Kerbin [Earth] but it turns out I was just making a huge metal dick.” Like many other potential winners before him, SaintJeb69's attempt ended in a tear filled curse to the heavens and severe second guessing of his skill as a ship builder.

Even popular Kerbal Space Program YouTube personality Scott Manley, who regularly completes any challenge posted on Reddit and anywhere else on the internet, could not manage to to record a full video without failing. It was not until the Scottish YouTuber made it all the way to the distant planet Jool that he realized his final stage was nothing more than a nuclear powered cock and balls. “Oh no, no, no, no,” he said when the realization hit him and, despite numerous attempts at time accelerating, moving the camera, and breaking random parts off the ship, there was no denying it was a full blown metallic John Thomas.

At press time, Squad was forced to award several players with the free game after they made the claim that their ships were in fact not penises, but instead just an Occator from the popular space MMO EVE Online. “It’s impossible to tell if they were truly making a Occator or a meat missile, they’re just too similar," developers told us, "So we just awarded them and moved on with our lives."