Xbox One's Mandatory $13,000 Time Machine Peripheral Eliminates The Need For Backwards Compatibility

All Xbox Ones will come packaged with a mandatory time machine peripheral, Microsoft announced with a blog post Thursday. A longtime dream of theoretical physicists and science fiction fans alike that could be used to change the course of history and save billions of lives, the technology behind the time machine has been patented by Microsoft and will be used to transport gamers back to 2001 to experience the original Xbox and Halo as they were originally intended.

“Why would we spend so much time and money remastering and porting games that were released a year ago when we could just teleport you back to a time when Kameo: Elements of Power never existed?” Xbox head Phil Spencer stated in the blog post, “Look, all this porting and retexturing is hard ok? And making new games is even harder; there’s a chance if we make something that isn’t Call of Duty people might not buy it, and we can’t handle that right now.”

The post also explained that Microsoft feels the move is necessary to compete with Sony’s fervent attempts to port every game they can from the PS3 to PS4, complementing their competitor on their decision against having backwards compatibility and instead requiring everyone to buy their games a second time to play them on their new console.

Like Sony, Microsoft also claims that the technology for backwards compatibility was just not possible and too expensive, making the $13,000 nuclear-powered machine capable of bending space and time to their will the only viable solution. When asked why they went with the time machine instead of maybe having backwards compatibility in mind when they created the Xbox One instead of a pointless motion sensor, Spencer stated, “We couldn’t find a way to really charge you enough for that. Yeah, backwards compatibility would be great, and yeah being able to play the games you already own would be super, and yeah the Wii U does it and it’s really not impossible even with the different architecture from the 360 to the Xbox One because emulating is a thing that exists, and yeah we’ve done it already with the Xbox 360 and it was a great feature to keep the console relevant when there weren’t many games instead of the laughing stock that the Xbox One is, but fuck you.”

Details on the mandatory time machine are scarce at the moment, but Microsoft has assured fans that the peripheral will not disrupt the upcoming release of the Halo: The Master Chief collection, restating their commitment to endlessly milking the Halo franchise as well as making you pay for games you probably already own.

At press time, it was also revealed that any copies of games purchased in the current timeline will not be compatible when you use your time machine and travel back to 2001 as it is not possible for games to travel between time rifts, as well as the announcement that an HD remake of the time machine is expected to update 2001 to look more like 2014 and will be released early 2015.