Valve Plans To Expand Seasonal Steam Sales

Following another successful Steam winter sale, during which players bought hundreds of dollars worth of games they'll never play, Valve announced their plans to expand the sale to more seasons. As of now there are already Steam sales in the four known seasons but Valve has plans of creating a few more to accommodate the increase in sales. 

"We know we already have sales in spring, summer, fall, and winter but we believe there is enough demand for cheap games you'll never play to justify one or fourteen more such sales," said Valve via a post on the official Steam blog.

Their plan, as it's outlined in the post, is to create new "Steam seasons" that will be solely for the purpose of sales. In total there will be fourteen of them, all of which appear to be named as random words or phrases with "steam" in them. The new season "Wet Steam" for example will come between spring and summer while "Neapolitan Ice Steam" will come sometime in winter before the actual winter sale.

When we called Valve headquarters to ask how they planned to market these new sales, we spoke to Valve's self-titled "graphic designer, game designer, Steam guy, also janitor" who seemed confused about our question. "Pay for marketing? Is that actually something people have to do? Our users are usually so enthusiastic when we announce anything that they tell all their friends repeatedly so we've never felt the need to. Seriously, we could just say something insane like we're going to include collectible hats." 

When we questioned him about the hats that are featured in Team Fortress 2 he immediately defended his previous statement. "Wait, shit, I mean. Not stupid like our Team Fortress 2 hats. Those are cool. I mean hats that don't really do anything but still cost a ton of money. Wait, fuck. I have to go sweep or something."

We were also told by the same employee that not every sale will actually feature any items at reduced prices. "Well, yeah, we'd go broke if we did," he informed us with laugh, "but if we'll just throw the word sale up there and watch the money roll in. It's worked so far."

Before we could ask anymore questions, we heard what sounded like an enraged Gabe Newell yelling and the sound of fireballs whizzing through the air followed by dead silence. We assume our informant had to leave for some sort of meeting and will follow up with him at a later date.