Broken And Half-Assed Watch_Dogs Revealed To Be A Clever Advertisement For Upcoming Game Watch Dogs

Early yesterday, following a series of lukewam reviews to their recently released Watch_Dogs, Ubisoft Montreal revealed that this so called game was actually another clever advertising campaign for the actual game coming out later this year. This would be the latest in a series of augmented reality advertisements that included an intuitive Facebook app, pretending to hack several well known websites, and hanging a live man from Chicago until the life left his body.

According to Ubisoft, Watch_Dogs is meant to represent what the final product would look like if a hacker such as Aiden Pearce attacked their servers, added a pointless underscore to the game’s name, removed the movie-like graphics and gameplay from their 2013 E3 presentation and instead replaced everything with bits and pieces of a PS2-era Grand Theft Auto Clone and a bland and generic story that you’ll immediately forget.

“That’s why the main character has such a stupid name,” Ubisoft creative lead Wayne Howard confirmed to several blogging outlets, “In this fake Watch_Dogs some loser in a stupid trench coat hacked our game to make the main character more in his image. Could you imagine if we actually had such a dorky ass character in our flagship next generation game? It’d be like we’re trying to latch on to the Matrix look from nerdy high school students in 2003. That’d be insane. Don’t you worry, you’ll be playing as someone super awesome in Watch Dogs.” Howard wasn’t able to tell us the exact name of the actual main character, but assured fans he’ll be “totally cool, not this geek Aiden Pearce.”

“You didn’t think that was the actual game did you? LOL,” read the press release that the developers posted on Ubisoft.com, “We wouldn’t actually release a game that glitchy and ugly. Did you see our E3 video a couple years? That shit was so cash.” The post went on to confirm the rumors that the game was jokingly put at a measly 30 frames per second to “mess you guys, we totally got you.” They allegedly advertised it at 60 FPS for months before release to show the true power of a hacker, and it definitely proves it’s point. If hackers can take our over-inflated expectations and cut them in half, just imagine what else they can do.

Ubisoft also claims to have the fully completed game in a warehouse, saying on their own forum post, “Yeah of course we have the completed games sitting around. We wouldn’t just release this pile of shit and not have the real game done. LOL. That’d be crazy. Haha. Yeah crazy. Ha.” While the warehouse location wasn’t disclosed, it is believed to be somewhere in Canada, but even Ubisoft Montreal can’t be sure as “that tricky hacker totally scrambled the location of it. LOL. Guess we’ll have to find it or something, idk.”

When asked about the hacking in Watch_Dogs that essentially boils down to quicktime events and pointing and things and pressing a button, Ubisoft claims that wasn’t the fault of the alleged hackers. “Yeah, we just didn’t bother doing anything more with that. It’s called hacking so that makes it cool, what more do you want?”

Watch Dogs is scheduled to release sometime in Winter of 2014. 

UPDATE: Shortly after publication Ubisoft announced the game has been delayed indefinitely stating, “Looks like those silly hackers won, we totally can’t find the other copies of the game. Sorry guys, I guess you’re stuck with this half-assed version instead of that totally awesome version we were working on. Keep an eye out for some sweet DLC, though!”