Disney Announces New Hawkeye Game; Promises The Avengers You Actually Care About Will Be In It Too

Killing all the recent excitement of a rumored Avengers game, Disney announced today in front of a disappointed audience that Hawkeye: The Game will release this summer to the Xbox One and PS4. Simply fulfilling a contractual obligation to make a game out of the archer turned superhero for some reason, Hawkeye: The Game will only force you to play as the dweeb Avenger for as short of a time as possible.


“Please stop sighing, we’re only making you play as him during the tutorial,” Disney Interactive Studios' Bill Roper desperately pleaded to an audience quickly losing all interest in the company, “after that you can play as Avengers that have actual powers and charisma like Iron Man, The Hulk and Captain America.” Roper also explained that, in order to set Hawkeye apart in his own game, he will have his own special play style where he sulks in Stark Tower handling the “constant bookkeeping and meal planning involved with keeping the Avengers up and running” while the other heroes handle most of the combat in the game.

Disney also showed off the skill tree and Avenger Abilities that will be featured in the game. The first example, Iron Man, showed how the player can upgrade everything from the power and accuracy of his rockets, his speed in the air, the “wittyness” of one-liners, several branching skill paths for different hand-to-hand combat techniques and even several hidden abilities that Disney and Marvel have promised will amaze all Avenger fans. They also showed off Hawkeye’s skill tree, which allows the player to upgrade how hard he can pull back the string on his bow and also the color of his pants. Currently there are no other skill paths planned for him.

If the player chooses to actually use Hawkeye in combat for whatever silly reason, he will also have the special “zoom” ability which allows him to squint super hard and make his target slightly less blurry. How this benefits the player was not revealed but Mr. Roper assured the disinterested audience that they would not have to deal with it for long.

Hawkeye: The Game, on top of disappointing kids for years to come, will also feature a unique death and respawn system in which every character except Hawkeye will have a special way in which they die and are resurrected. The majority of characters in the game do not actually “die” but will instead be transported back to Stark Tower where the player will control a special device meant to revive them, during which Hawkeye can be seen in the background sweeping the kitchen floor. In the unfortunate event that the player uses Hawkeye and he predictably dies in two hits, he will just be dead and the game will continue as normal. Players will then have the option to hire a new butler to catch up on any work that Hawkeye would have otherwise done in the game.

“In this way we can insure that gamers won’t have to endure his stupid bow-and-arrow any longer than they have to and can play as some heroes with actual powers,” Roper told us, “also the butler will have the ability to fly at supersonic speeds and shoot lasers from his eyes.”

Alternate names for Hawkeye: The Game included Hawkeye: The Other Avenger, Hawkeye: Arrows Or Whatever, and Hawkeye: Yeah He’s Technically A Superhero. Disney eventually settled on “The Game” when, as they put it, “We just got bored of trying to think of a name for him so we went with the blandest option. We felt it portrayed Hawkeye the best.”