Seven Dead In NASCAR's First Annual Rainbow Road 500

Fans and NASCAR officials are still reeling from the disastrous race that resulted in seven deaths over the weekend. The Rainbow Road 500, a promotional crossover from Nintendo into the world of stock car racing, was intended to be an entertaining race for gamers and racing fans in which the NASCAR Nationwide Series drivers would utilize items similar to those in the popular Mario Kart games, as well as race on a near perfect replica of the infamous Rainbow Road track.
Much like the in-game Rainbow Road, a fun race between friends quickly turned deadly once racers came up on the near impossible turns and various Mario-themed weapons were fired.

“Look, I know this is a dangerous sport and we accept that there’s a chance any of us could die at any moment,” current points leader Chase Elliot said after the fatal race, “what I don’t accept is that anyone can fire that piece of shit blue shell just because they’re losing and automatically hit the driver in first. Trevor [Bayne] was a good man, he didn’t deserve to die like that. Red shell, green shell or hell even a bullet bill, fine. But not something as bullshit rule breaking as a blue shell. I don’t know who fired it, but I’m guessing it was the same prick that shrunk us all in lap 130.”

Crowds couldn’t believe the carnage they were seeing as the racers rounded their first impossibly steep hill where the first few fiery deaths occurred, with cheers erupting when the flaming husk of Elliot Sadler’s #11 car was catapulted off the side of the track by a star-powered J.J Yeley.

“Shit, Sadler was a cool guy and all but he was being a little bitch trying to drift around turn seventeen like that,” one fan told us, “and oh man when J.J came flying around that corner blinkin’ his lights and stuff it was a good ‘ole time. Honestly the best thing about these races is the wrecks, my kids loved it.”

Services for the deceased are being held shortly after the victory parade and celebrations outside of a large castle in an unknown location. Race winner Ryan Reed is expected to receive his first place trophy and large confetti shower despite the fact that he made everyone watch every second of the 500 lap replay of his victory because, as NASCAR officials put it, “sure, it was a dick move but rules are rules. He won so he gets to decide how long we have to watch the replay.”

By lap 250, after the last of the deaths occurred when Dylan Kwasniewski tried to make a shortcut jump from the top of the track to a curved section on the bottom, the race resumed mostly as normal. A little pushing, bumping and stray banana peels were thrown around as expected, but the rest of the race was considered a monument to the strides NASCAR has made in terms of keeping racers safe. Despite unbelievably steep drops, complete bullshit turns and 300+ mile-per-hour speeds on a slippery track, the newest roll cages and various state-of-the-art improvements to the Rainbow Road track prevented an estimated 20 more deaths.

“For the most part, we were very satisfied with the relatively low number of accidents in the Rainbow Road 500,” NASCAR head of safety Bryant Hendricks said in a post-race conference, “we do, however, regret not putting a fence around turn twelve. Our prayers are with Brendan Gaughan and his family as they search for his missing car. We know you’re floating out there somewhere. Stay safe, buddy.”

According to inside sources, the race was a massive success both for NASCAR ratings and raising awareness for Nintendo’s upcoming kart racer. It is expected that the Rainbow Road 500 will continue as long as there are racers left alive to compete or everyone gets sick of racing the same track and goes home.