“We’re very happy to show you some new features of Drive Club,” Guillemot began, before he held a single finger up to his ear and was informed of the subpar keynote score from an off-stage assistant, ”I’m sorry I have to go,” Guillemot quickly said as he shuffled off stage and waved off several attempts to console him on his way. Before an assistant was able to turn off the microphone mounted on his shirt, a wailing Guillemot could be heard backstage cursing the Gods for his failures in receiving such a low score from a random guy living in the middle of Oklahoma criticizing his multi-million dollar company’s keynote presentation.
“How can I please this man?” and audibly shaken Guillemot screamed backstage, “I know from his previous tweets he enjoys college football and that really big piss he just took, but how do I please him?! Show me the answer Lord!” The longtime CEO could also be heard pounding the wall in frustrating as he contemplated ways to appease the amateur convention critic, asking the heavens why assassassscreed69 decided to take his vengeance out on Ubisoft and their 90-minute presentation.
The company dismantling has not yet taken place, but several Ubisoft executives claim there won’t be a fight. “We love this company and we’re proud of the games we have made over the past two decades,” Ubisoft lead designer Gerry Kirkwood told sources, “But when some random guy on twitter tells us our presentation is shit there’s nothing more we can do. It’s all over.” Kirkwood also assured fans that the UbiArt framework would be spunoff into it’s own company to survive without Ubisoft as assassasscreed69 once tweeted “wow child of light isnt total shit. gj ubisoft.”
At press time, we have learned that assassasscreed69 formally lowered his grade of the presentation to a D+ following the spectacle. Yves Guillemot is currently on suicide watch in his beautiful seaside French villa and receiving round-the-clock strawberries fed to him by several handmaidens.
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