Rockstar North admitted in a blog post Thursday that it had no idea people would actually play GTA Online this long, let alone actually expect them to implement the heists mode they heavily advertised around the game’s release. The admission comes just days after they announced a delay to the online heists, eventually succumbing to pressure and telling the truth they never intended for anyone to actually use the mostly-broken service.
The blog post explains that the team of developers has no idea how they would even implement heists, and revealed there is not a single line of code done for the highly anticipated component. As the blog post stated, “You didn’t think you’d actually be able to do all that cool shit in a free online game did you? We don’t get paid for this; nobody buys those stupid cards. We lose a lot money every time you hop on and dick around for an hour trying to lift other players with the Cargobob.” The post begged users to stop playing altogether in hopes that the team could move on to work on the next-gen port of the game and the sequel to Red Dead Redemption “Every second you spend aimlessly driving around in your hideous purple and blue Infernus is another second that Red Dead Revenge does not exist. We hope you’re happy with yourselves.”
In their efforts to stop people from playing GTA Online, Rockstar claims they went as far as making it “literally unplayable” at launch, purposefully giving users less than a 5% chance to actually connect when they started, and frequently disconnecting them at random intervals. Despite this, players kept finding ways to connect and even fought through several character resets just to have a chance to play in the half-finished wonderland until their inevitable disconnect.
“Sure, if we spent half as much time working on the actual game as we did programming ways to keep people off GTA Online we probably could have heists out by now, but we really want to move on to something that actually matters,” one anonymous source inside Rockstar told us, “But for whatever reason people were really anxious to play some broken deathmatch games and get blasted by other random players for no reason so they kept trying until we had no choice but to at least make it sort of work.”
Even in it’s current half-assed state, Rockstar North claims that the game somehow pulls in hundreds of thousands of players a day, but there are already some fixes in the works. Currently they are in talks with Microsoft and 343 Industries to swap out GTA Online with Halo 4’s multiplayer in hopes that it will finally get players off their game.
“We don’t know how they did it,” Rockstar CEO Dennis Thrope told sources, “but somehow they managed to take a franchise everyone loved and ruin the multiplayer so much to the point that no one wants to even touch it. We could learn a thing or two from them.”
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